I have been waiting for months. Waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.
I have talked to Sir about this time and time again. I have warned him I will try to sabotage this relationship one way or another. It is what I do when people get to close. It is what I have always done. I figure out a way to push them away and away they go.
Well I have pushed Sir a couple of different times during the past year. And much to my surprise he is still here. Well this weekend I was close to pushing again. He was sick and we hadn't had much time together and me being me ( I have extreme abandonment issues) was feeling a little alone. (Who the hell am I fooling -- I was down right freaking out).
I was so close to just walking away.. then it hit me. I really don't want to find out what my life would be like without Sir in it. He has taught me so much. He has helped me grow and he has given so much of himself to me that I decided I needed to go along on this journey and see where it ends up.
I know in the future I may just try once again to sabotage the best thing that has ever come my way. I just hope I am as strong as I was this weekend and have the faith I have in Sir to know he isn't going anyway and he will help me work through my fears and I come out a much better person in the end.
Sometime we can be our own worst enemy, allowing oneself to have the kind of relationship one deserves can be the hardest thing to do. Yet the rewards are out of this world.
ReplyDeleteConquering fears is a hard thing to overcome but it can be done.
I wish you the best.
I'm not sure mijena...are you calling sabotage what might just be loneliness and a bad day?
ReplyDeleteNeeding your Master is big, isn't it? I've figured out that I have a 24 hr curfew. Longer than that without some contact and I start to spin.
It really helps me to try and focus on something else--my kids, trying a new recipe, a game, shopping...something fun that doesn't require loads of attention (because my mind is on Him!).
Or, be good to yourself in those rough times. A hot bath, pedicure, manicure, facials, etc.
It's good that you let your Master know about this though. You CAN change the behavior.
HUGS
Dannah
Dannah
ReplyDeleteIt isn't lonliness or a bad day. I have had to depend on myself for years and am very comfortable in being alone. For me it is a lot more than just that.
I talked with Sir about it today and he commented how closed off I was when we first met. I didn't let anyone in and when they got to close I ran.
With Sir -- he's a patient man -- he said I had so many layers of walls with thicknesses he had never seen before. But slowly he started to chisel away at them, and slowly, oh so slowly they have crumbled. I had to smile when he said how much I had grown in the year that we have been together.
But I'm still wondering will history repeat itself? Will I run? or have I grown enough to stay and just enjoy the ride?
I can relate to feeling abandonded. Sometimes with no contact from my DM due to his work, I start to spin and spiral. And then I need HIM to bring me back in.
ReplyDeleteIt is a comfort I'm sure, that you are able to talk to your Sir about your concerns and if you recognize them, I think that is half the battle. :)
All the best to you. I am new to your blog and enjoying it. Your name has a beautiful sound to it. Lovely.